As we know, I am telling quite a lot of people about my current pregnancy, and when I do so, I have developed the need to follow the news up with the information that I don't intend to have any more.
This is because I want to pre-empt them thinking that I'm some kind of manic breeder, who either has no idea how to use contraceptives, or who is some martyr who just wants to devote herself to discomfort and the needs of others, I dunno. Well, what's wrong with either of those? It's not a sin to have children. It's not a sin to have 12 children! But I still don't want to be perceived as either of them, for some reason.
Yes, the pregnancies have followed in somewhat quick succession, but they're not really that close compared to, say, me and my sister, or my husband and his brother. These babies will be 23 months apart, perfectly respectable. There were many reasons why I chose to have a baby at this time, to do with my age, my career at this point, my finances and the desire for S to have a sibling he could have fun with. These were my reasons, dammit! Nothing to do with what anyone else thinks! Yes, there have been gasps of, "Oh! You didn't give yourself much breathing space did you?!" and, "Congratulations, you mad thing!" but who gives a crap what they think?
Apparently I do. And I was unable to stop myself from frowning and muttering, "Well, it's a lot to put your body through..." when judgy friend from a few posts back mentioned that she had stopped using contraception. (She has two children under the age of 2). I'm telling myself I was just getting my own back for her calling me silly the other week.
But really, have I too absorbed society's message that procreation and women's pregnant bodies and childbirth are obscene and that they should be controlled and constrained? Probably.
Anthea
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I got it I got it I got it I got it
I got the job! :)
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? As one of the interviewers pointed out, I'm more than qualified and I know I interview really well. But still, the nerves always get to me and for days before the event I practiced my answers to questions while on the bog, or driving, or waiting for Little O to stop screaming like a banshee and go the fluck to sleep. But I digress. It was lovely to finally be back in a work environment, and now we move on to the next phase of sorting out Little O's daycare arrangements.
My husband's mother is coming to stay with us next week to learn the ropes of looking after Little O, and to help us out while I start my new position. Initially we thought we were going to need her from Monday 4th Oct, but there was a huge balls-up with the drug test this afternoon and now I won't be able to start until Wednesday. But no matter: it's nice that she's able (and willing, more importantly) to drop everything and visit us while we're in need. Very, very nice. The drug test incident, to clarify, wasn't an error on MY part. I'm drug free. In fact, the last pot I smoked was before Little O was even conceived, so it's not as though I'm having to wait to re-take the test or something. No, the problem was that I arrived at the testing centre (center, I suppose) with a small child in tow. Apparently some "parents" - I use the term loosely - have used their child's urine in place of their own to avoid detection, so now kids aren't allowed in. I asked if Little O could stay outside the bathroom while I completed the test, but they don't have liability insurance or waivers so that wasn't allowed either. So I was told to go away and find child care arrangements, and then come back by myself. The whole thing is so infuriating, because if I'd been able to find someone to look after Little O this week, I would have started the new job earlier... grr...
Anyway, I'm taking the test Friday morning before my husband and I take Little O to get the results of his MRI test, so now the drug test results won't be available until Tuesday, which means I can't start until Wednesday. I'm sure it doesn't send the greatest message to my new employers, but quite frankly they can lump it. THEY'RE the ones who want my pee so badly, so they can jolly well wait until I'm ready to give it to them.
But I am excited. And it's a contract-to-permanent position, which means even if they choose not to renew the contract come February, I already know in advance and can start looking forbetter paid other work. Plus, if we do decide to have another baby (took a test or seven and I'm NOT currently pregnant... which is a bit of a relief now this job's come up) then I can take the third trimester easy at home, sitting on a comfortable cushion of hard-earned dollar bills, yo.
Yay for me! I think Little O's good luck charm worked. :)
Tina.
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? As one of the interviewers pointed out, I'm more than qualified and I know I interview really well. But still, the nerves always get to me and for days before the event I practiced my answers to questions while on the bog, or driving, or waiting for Little O to stop screaming like a banshee and go the fluck to sleep. But I digress. It was lovely to finally be back in a work environment, and now we move on to the next phase of sorting out Little O's daycare arrangements.
My husband's mother is coming to stay with us next week to learn the ropes of looking after Little O, and to help us out while I start my new position. Initially we thought we were going to need her from Monday 4th Oct, but there was a huge balls-up with the drug test this afternoon and now I won't be able to start until Wednesday. But no matter: it's nice that she's able (and willing, more importantly) to drop everything and visit us while we're in need. Very, very nice. The drug test incident, to clarify, wasn't an error on MY part. I'm drug free. In fact, the last pot I smoked was before Little O was even conceived, so it's not as though I'm having to wait to re-take the test or something. No, the problem was that I arrived at the testing centre (center, I suppose) with a small child in tow. Apparently some "parents" - I use the term loosely - have used their child's urine in place of their own to avoid detection, so now kids aren't allowed in. I asked if Little O could stay outside the bathroom while I completed the test, but they don't have liability insurance or waivers so that wasn't allowed either. So I was told to go away and find child care arrangements, and then come back by myself. The whole thing is so infuriating, because if I'd been able to find someone to look after Little O this week, I would have started the new job earlier... grr...
Anyway, I'm taking the test Friday morning before my husband and I take Little O to get the results of his MRI test, so now the drug test results won't be available until Tuesday, which means I can't start until Wednesday. I'm sure it doesn't send the greatest message to my new employers, but quite frankly they can lump it. THEY'RE the ones who want my pee so badly, so they can jolly well wait until I'm ready to give it to them.
But I am excited. And it's a contract-to-permanent position, which means even if they choose not to renew the contract come February, I already know in advance and can start looking for
Yay for me! I think Little O's good luck charm worked. :)
Tina.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The greatest good luck charm EVER
This evening Little O said "Mama" for the very first time. I have my interview this week and it's the greatest good luck charm I've ever had. He's so cute when he says his Ms; he approaches them cautiously, as though he's warming up: "Aaaaa hhhhmmm mmmmaaaa". He likes to practice them in the car while we listen to music, and sometimes he even hums along and dances to the beat.
Tonight was the first time he really responded to me saying "Mama" to him though, because after copying me a few times and getting out a couple of "Mmmmaaa" sounds, he suddenly went "Mama", completely out of the blue. What a wonderful feeling, to hear your child say your name.
I was so happy I cried.
Tina.
Tonight was the first time he really responded to me saying "Mama" to him though, because after copying me a few times and getting out a couple of "Mmmmaaa" sounds, he suddenly went "Mama", completely out of the blue. What a wonderful feeling, to hear your child say your name.
I was so happy I cried.
Tina.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
I got an interview! Like Butterfly Charlie, I'm not going to say more about it just yet, but I'm pretty hopeful.
Now I just need to sort out a babysitter for Little O. Hope my husband bucks his ideas up a little and helps me find a solution...
Now I just need to sort out a babysitter for Little O. Hope my husband bucks his ideas up a little and helps me find a solution...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The big secret
I'm about 6 weeks pregnant, I think, and have told a lot of people. I told my family immediately. I found out on a Saturday, and told everyone at work on the Monday. I haven't told many friends, just a close few. Any others I'm going to tell as and when I see them. I'll do the big Facebook broadcast once I've had my first scan.
Last time I was pregnant, I was horribly sick - puking most mornings, the works. I came in late, left early and was a fetching shade of green. As a primary school teacher, the majority of my colleagues are women and as such many of them are mothers. Most people suspected I was pregnant and grilled my closest work friends about it (who denied all knowledge, bless 'em). But no-one actually came and spoke to me! Everyone was talking about me, but no-one was talking to me! The stupid thing is, if anybody had approached me and said, "are you pregnant?" I would have answered, "yes, but please keep it to yourself".
I posted here:
http://thegoodbodies.blogspot.com/2008/10/and-puking-began-here.html
about how unfair it is that during the first trimester, the time when you feel the worst and need the most support, you are not supposed to tell anyone. The reasons for this are that something like 95% of miscarriages happen some time in the first 12 weeks. So presumably, you wouldn't want to follow up the exciting announcement of a pregnancy with the sad one of a miscarriage.
Or would you? In a workplace full of women, mothers, children and family problems, my colleagues are a fabulous support network. We see each other through private and professional dramas, and rally round when somone is having a crisis, however large or small. In fact, I think that if I were to suffer a miscarriage - which is not that likely anyway, I'm not in any of the high-risk categories and have already had one straightforward pregnancy - my colleagues would provide me with tremendous support. If I suffered any other sort of loss or bereavement, I would want the support of the people around me. I wouldn't really want to soldier on as if nothing had happened. I wouldn't want it to be a secret. And therefore I can't see any good reason for me keeping early pregnancy a secret.
I'm lucky in that my employer is fully supportive (to the point of over-enthusiastic!) of staff having children. In other workplaces, it might be a good idea to keep it quiet until your maternity arrangments are fully in place, I don't know. But I've told everyone at work so that they know there's a good reason why I might not be keeping up properly, or be rather absent-minded, or be green. I want their support through this, because it's a big upheaval, even second time around. (Mind you, I seem to be getting evening sickness rather than morning sickness this time so maybe it would have been easy to conceal, I don't know!)
I play in a brass band and told one of my friends there, who herself has two children under the age of two, at the same time as another friend. She asked me how far along I was and I told her only a few weeks. "Well that's a bit silly, announcing it this early, isn't it?" she said, all judgemental. "Why?" I asked. "Well, you'd better hope nothing happens," she replied, implying a miscarriage. "But then I'd want people to know that as well," I said.
OK, so this particular friend is a bit like that, a bit judgy and speaks without thinking, but I reckon her comments only demonstrate the prevailing attitude in society. Where does this come from? Why should miscarriage be such a shameful secret? Why should early pregnancy be so embarrassing? Does this date back to a time when reproduction - and naturally, women's bodies in general - was just so shameful that it wasn't mentioned in public until the physical evidence was unavoidable: i.e. the bump began to show, at the start of the second trimester? Probably.
Ugh, in other news, a friend has just found out she is expecting twins! Please God no! I haven't got room for two more, just one please! It hadn't even occured to me until she told me that of course, she hadn't known either until the scan. And mine is about 6 weeks away! Fingers crossed, just the one baby please!
Anthea
Last time I was pregnant, I was horribly sick - puking most mornings, the works. I came in late, left early and was a fetching shade of green. As a primary school teacher, the majority of my colleagues are women and as such many of them are mothers. Most people suspected I was pregnant and grilled my closest work friends about it (who denied all knowledge, bless 'em). But no-one actually came and spoke to me! Everyone was talking about me, but no-one was talking to me! The stupid thing is, if anybody had approached me and said, "are you pregnant?" I would have answered, "yes, but please keep it to yourself".
I posted here:
http://thegoodbodies.blogspot.com/2008/10/and-puking-began-here.html
about how unfair it is that during the first trimester, the time when you feel the worst and need the most support, you are not supposed to tell anyone. The reasons for this are that something like 95% of miscarriages happen some time in the first 12 weeks. So presumably, you wouldn't want to follow up the exciting announcement of a pregnancy with the sad one of a miscarriage.
Or would you? In a workplace full of women, mothers, children and family problems, my colleagues are a fabulous support network. We see each other through private and professional dramas, and rally round when somone is having a crisis, however large or small. In fact, I think that if I were to suffer a miscarriage - which is not that likely anyway, I'm not in any of the high-risk categories and have already had one straightforward pregnancy - my colleagues would provide me with tremendous support. If I suffered any other sort of loss or bereavement, I would want the support of the people around me. I wouldn't really want to soldier on as if nothing had happened. I wouldn't want it to be a secret. And therefore I can't see any good reason for me keeping early pregnancy a secret.
I'm lucky in that my employer is fully supportive (to the point of over-enthusiastic!) of staff having children. In other workplaces, it might be a good idea to keep it quiet until your maternity arrangments are fully in place, I don't know. But I've told everyone at work so that they know there's a good reason why I might not be keeping up properly, or be rather absent-minded, or be green. I want their support through this, because it's a big upheaval, even second time around. (Mind you, I seem to be getting evening sickness rather than morning sickness this time so maybe it would have been easy to conceal, I don't know!)
I play in a brass band and told one of my friends there, who herself has two children under the age of two, at the same time as another friend. She asked me how far along I was and I told her only a few weeks. "Well that's a bit silly, announcing it this early, isn't it?" she said, all judgemental. "Why?" I asked. "Well, you'd better hope nothing happens," she replied, implying a miscarriage. "But then I'd want people to know that as well," I said.
OK, so this particular friend is a bit like that, a bit judgy and speaks without thinking, but I reckon her comments only demonstrate the prevailing attitude in society. Where does this come from? Why should miscarriage be such a shameful secret? Why should early pregnancy be so embarrassing? Does this date back to a time when reproduction - and naturally, women's bodies in general - was just so shameful that it wasn't mentioned in public until the physical evidence was unavoidable: i.e. the bump began to show, at the start of the second trimester? Probably.
Ugh, in other news, a friend has just found out she is expecting twins! Please God no! I haven't got room for two more, just one please! It hadn't even occured to me until she told me that of course, she hadn't known either until the scan. And mine is about 6 weeks away! Fingers crossed, just the one baby please!
Anthea
Friday, September 17, 2010
The eternal question
I'm facing that eternal question; the one that plagues mothers everywhere:
"Should I go back to work?"
Yesterday I was sent an invitation to apply for a proofreading position at a pharmaceutical company 30 miles away, based in the same business park my husband used to work in (although for a different company). We know the company and we know how far away it is (40 min commute), and we know that I am absolutely desperate to find meaning in my life beyond that of a-mother-with-a-special-needs-kid-who-does-some-freelancing-stuff-when-she-has-time. So when this opportunity came up I was really interested, but I delayed in answering the e-mail because any decision I make involves the whole family. It really does.
I spoke to my husband about it when he called home at lunchtime and he was very positive, saying I should definitely apply and totalling up how much extra income we would have if I got the job. But something still stopped me, and it took me a while to figure it out.
Daycare isn't really an issue long-term. I'm visiting a nursery on Monday that caters for children like Little O, and they seem very keen to have him on board, but they can't offer him a week-long placement until mid-October, which is awkward. I'd be able to get him in all day Monday and Friday for a few weeks, but that would still leave Tues-Thurs with no care. Then my Dad comes out to visit at the end of October and it would be a shame to have Little O in daycare the whole time, and me at a new job. But come November, and daycare and family issues will be resolved, and I'll have plenty of time for a full-time position.
The commute also doesn't bother me, although the hours are a little sticky. It would be 50 hrs a week, plus occasional Saturdays, depending on deadlines. Thankfully I'm a very fast worker when I know what I'm doing, so I anticipate meeting their expectations and then surpassing them, and not actually having to work many Saturdays at all. I'm also not afraid to commit a large portion of my time to a new job if I really enjoy it. I actually love working in offices, but I've never found a JOB that I like. Perhaps that would change.
No, the thing that bothered me and took a while to surface, was my husband's attitude to Little O's care. My husband is almost as much of a feminist as I am, but on this particular topic it's as though he's thrown all notion of equal parenting out of the window. When we were discussing specifics last night in bed, I reminded him that if I were to work full-time, it would mean I couldn't take Little O to all the appointments and therapy sessions that I do now. Actually, at least initially, I wouldn't be able to do ANY of them because I'd be in a new job and trying to make a good impression. So I requested that he look into his employer's flexi-time policy, and find out whether he can start shifting his hours a little to accomodate Little O's care.
His response was quite astounding. He said, "No, they won't go for that", and turned over in bed. End of discussion. I was gobsmacked, so I pulled him back over to face me and asked him why. He said they're really busy, and besides, WE need the money. It struck me that he sees his job and my (potential) job differently. As far as he's concerned, it's ME who needs to ask for flexi-time because HIS job is already stable, and because it's MY responsibility to take care of Little O. I was lost for words. I had always assumed that if I worked full-time again, that parenting our son would be shared equally - indeed, before we knew about Little O's problems, I'd intended to go back to work much sooner than this. So what the hell is going on?
I feel like I'm meeting everyone else's needs and schedules... what about mine? I've given up my career to this point to be an advocate and parent to my son, but I feel like it's my time again. I WANT to go back to work, but I CAN'T do it if my husband won't meet me halfway. I just can't roll up to a new employer and tell them I need three days off a month to take my son to appointments because my husband won't help me. It isn't fair to ask that of me, or my (potential) company. I don't know what's going on. Maybe my husband's afraid of losing his job, or taking on extra responsibility at home; I don't know. But I do know that I can't have a full-time job AND be the primary caregiver. Not with Little O.
In the end, I did apply for the job, via an agency. I explained my situation to them and they seemed accomodating, but they recommended I don't tell the company until I'm offered a position. If and when that happens I'm going to feel really guilty, because it will feel like I've misled them. I'm already panicking about finding childcare for Little O for when I have to go to an interview - how the hell do I pick up those extra three days a week too? Frankly, I feel confident that I'll get the job if I get an interview, because unlike other jobs I've gone for where I just need the money, in this instance I'm really invested in the position itself. And I'm fucking good at what I do and I'm confident in my abilities, so selling myself to an employer should be okay. It's just post-interview that I'm worried about.
I need a grandparent around for about a month, I think. Someone to take care of Little O while I get a job organised; someone who can take him to his appointments and act on my behalf. But I also need a husband who supports my decision to go back to work properly, on MY terms. It's all very difficult. Exciting, but difficult.
Tina.
"Should I go back to work?"
Yesterday I was sent an invitation to apply for a proofreading position at a pharmaceutical company 30 miles away, based in the same business park my husband used to work in (although for a different company). We know the company and we know how far away it is (40 min commute), and we know that I am absolutely desperate to find meaning in my life beyond that of a-mother-with-a-special-needs-kid-who-does-some-freelancing-stuff-when-she-has-time. So when this opportunity came up I was really interested, but I delayed in answering the e-mail because any decision I make involves the whole family. It really does.
I spoke to my husband about it when he called home at lunchtime and he was very positive, saying I should definitely apply and totalling up how much extra income we would have if I got the job. But something still stopped me, and it took me a while to figure it out.
Daycare isn't really an issue long-term. I'm visiting a nursery on Monday that caters for children like Little O, and they seem very keen to have him on board, but they can't offer him a week-long placement until mid-October, which is awkward. I'd be able to get him in all day Monday and Friday for a few weeks, but that would still leave Tues-Thurs with no care. Then my Dad comes out to visit at the end of October and it would be a shame to have Little O in daycare the whole time, and me at a new job. But come November, and daycare and family issues will be resolved, and I'll have plenty of time for a full-time position.
The commute also doesn't bother me, although the hours are a little sticky. It would be 50 hrs a week, plus occasional Saturdays, depending on deadlines. Thankfully I'm a very fast worker when I know what I'm doing, so I anticipate meeting their expectations and then surpassing them, and not actually having to work many Saturdays at all. I'm also not afraid to commit a large portion of my time to a new job if I really enjoy it. I actually love working in offices, but I've never found a JOB that I like. Perhaps that would change.
No, the thing that bothered me and took a while to surface, was my husband's attitude to Little O's care. My husband is almost as much of a feminist as I am, but on this particular topic it's as though he's thrown all notion of equal parenting out of the window. When we were discussing specifics last night in bed, I reminded him that if I were to work full-time, it would mean I couldn't take Little O to all the appointments and therapy sessions that I do now. Actually, at least initially, I wouldn't be able to do ANY of them because I'd be in a new job and trying to make a good impression. So I requested that he look into his employer's flexi-time policy, and find out whether he can start shifting his hours a little to accomodate Little O's care.
His response was quite astounding. He said, "No, they won't go for that", and turned over in bed. End of discussion. I was gobsmacked, so I pulled him back over to face me and asked him why. He said they're really busy, and besides, WE need the money. It struck me that he sees his job and my (potential) job differently. As far as he's concerned, it's ME who needs to ask for flexi-time because HIS job is already stable, and because it's MY responsibility to take care of Little O. I was lost for words. I had always assumed that if I worked full-time again, that parenting our son would be shared equally - indeed, before we knew about Little O's problems, I'd intended to go back to work much sooner than this. So what the hell is going on?
I feel like I'm meeting everyone else's needs and schedules... what about mine? I've given up my career to this point to be an advocate and parent to my son, but I feel like it's my time again. I WANT to go back to work, but I CAN'T do it if my husband won't meet me halfway. I just can't roll up to a new employer and tell them I need three days off a month to take my son to appointments because my husband won't help me. It isn't fair to ask that of me, or my (potential) company. I don't know what's going on. Maybe my husband's afraid of losing his job, or taking on extra responsibility at home; I don't know. But I do know that I can't have a full-time job AND be the primary caregiver. Not with Little O.
In the end, I did apply for the job, via an agency. I explained my situation to them and they seemed accomodating, but they recommended I don't tell the company until I'm offered a position. If and when that happens I'm going to feel really guilty, because it will feel like I've misled them. I'm already panicking about finding childcare for Little O for when I have to go to an interview - how the hell do I pick up those extra three days a week too? Frankly, I feel confident that I'll get the job if I get an interview, because unlike other jobs I've gone for where I just need the money, in this instance I'm really invested in the position itself. And I'm fucking good at what I do and I'm confident in my abilities, so selling myself to an employer should be okay. It's just post-interview that I'm worried about.
I need a grandparent around for about a month, I think. Someone to take care of Little O while I get a job organised; someone who can take him to his appointments and act on my behalf. But I also need a husband who supports my decision to go back to work properly, on MY terms. It's all very difficult. Exciting, but difficult.
Tina.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tantrums!
My sweet sweet baby has discovered he has an opinion. Wait, let me rephrase that: he has an OPINION!!
For a child who cannot talk, sign, or generally communicate to me what his needs and wants are, he sure is getting good at telling me anyway. He has entered a rather amusing phase in his life where tantrums are starting to play a significant role in his communication skills. We're not sure he'll ever be able to speak in the same way you and I do (well, not my little sister V - she and Little O may have a lot in common), but he's certainly finding his voice.
I was brushing my teeth this morning and put Little O on the bathroom counter so he could watch. He likes to play with the lotions and potions up there and it keeps him from scooting around on his backside outta the door and down the stairs. I gave him a packet of flossups to play with while I was occupied with a toothbrush, and he was very happy watching me and chewing on the plastic wrapping while he waited. Well, then I wanted to USE a flossup to floss my teeth with, which required me to extricate said item from small child. This did not go down well. He SCREAMED, went red in the face, burst into tears, and started whacking his thighs with tiny, bunched-up fists of infant fury. I found the whole thing terribly funny, especially as, as soon as I'd got out a flossup and given them back to him, he stopped his tantrum instantly and resumed chewing the corner of the packet.
Ah, I love Little O. The more 'normal' stuff he does, the prouder I am of him. It's just such a joy to see him achieve a goal he's really struggled with, as well as the other 'norrmal' development milestones like throwing temper tantrums. At this point I love everything he does, from the back-scooting to the tantrums. Ask me again in a month though and I may have changed my mind...
Tina.
For a child who cannot talk, sign, or generally communicate to me what his needs and wants are, he sure is getting good at telling me anyway. He has entered a rather amusing phase in his life where tantrums are starting to play a significant role in his communication skills. We're not sure he'll ever be able to speak in the same way you and I do (well, not my little sister V - she and Little O may have a lot in common), but he's certainly finding his voice.
I was brushing my teeth this morning and put Little O on the bathroom counter so he could watch. He likes to play with the lotions and potions up there and it keeps him from scooting around on his backside outta the door and down the stairs. I gave him a packet of flossups to play with while I was occupied with a toothbrush, and he was very happy watching me and chewing on the plastic wrapping while he waited. Well, then I wanted to USE a flossup to floss my teeth with, which required me to extricate said item from small child. This did not go down well. He SCREAMED, went red in the face, burst into tears, and started whacking his thighs with tiny, bunched-up fists of infant fury. I found the whole thing terribly funny, especially as, as soon as I'd got out a flossup and given them back to him, he stopped his tantrum instantly and resumed chewing the corner of the packet.
Ah, I love Little O. The more 'normal' stuff he does, the prouder I am of him. It's just such a joy to see him achieve a goal he's really struggled with, as well as the other 'norrmal' development milestones like throwing temper tantrums. At this point I love everything he does, from the back-scooting to the tantrums. Ask me again in a month though and I may have changed my mind...
Tina.
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